A Healthy Gratitude/Rant Balance Over the Years - A Hive Anniversary Letter to my Followers

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Dear Followers,

Today is my Steemit/Hive 4th year anniversary, sorry I have to credit Steemit here as it's my first love. But it's no use for me now as you guys are here. I even stopped crossposting as I don't see the point anymore. I know it's hard to believe but I just don't stay for the rewards. I stay here for you too.

I've always thought shit-posting is not my thing. I've always thought I put my heart and soul into each and every post over the years. But due to the rewards transparency here, I now think maybe most of my posts are just prolonged shitposts (lol). I did have some not-so-nice posts in the past that upset quite a few people here so I'm so sorry about that! I guess that made me even more unpopular in this community (Not that I want to be Miley), ha! I realized that I can't be totally myself anymore especially if it means a large % of my darkness will be revealed. And 90% of Me is darkness, 10% is sunshine. If only you could see that 10%, it's all that matters to me. Every day, I try my best to be someone who is worthy of love.

Sure I admit that my ability to maintain and establish human connection here is not that great though but I'm grateful for that little but quality engagement/community that I have here. I'm not that tribe-ish uber sociable person online and even in real life (I'm pretty transparent about this in all my posts). Damn, I don't even want to expose more specific details about me than what's necessary (unless I can trust you and you give me a good reason).

I'm sure some of you have followed my story, my little wins, my long journey. All those adventures and misadventures. Rants and grattitudes. Changes in my life and political views. A lot has happened to me and maybe some of you appreciate a different perspective. It is just hard for me to trust anyone, that's all. So if I give you my trust, I trust you not to break it. Because if you break it, it's not only about the end of us. You're also adding up to my thinning ability to trust someone else (ha ha think of all those who will suffer next!). This is not a threat for you to be nice tho. 😈

I appreciate all this positivity feel-good advice and this attempt to change a person you know online overnight. I'm feral. It's so easy for me to let go of people and be detached. Not to belong. I found comfort in this detachment. I found comfort in my strangeness and sadness. I feel safe in these feelings. I have lived my life isolated from human contact and it's very difficult for me to add even just one person to my little pool of trusted friends. Yes, I do have huge trust issues, and probably the reason why I'm still not a popular cheerleader here lol. It makes sense. Why would people support someone they don't really know and wouldn't actively connect with communities due to her diminishing ability over time to have faith in the goodness of mankind?

Don't get me wrong, I'm all responsible for my status here on Hive tho. But I'm grateful for what I've achieved here so far (in terms of rewards and following). I do plan to give back to Hive all these that I've taken out from my wallet someday when I finally got my shit together (I don't know when). I'm just saying, Hive is life-changing. It's just that maybe it's not Me to go out of my way to socialize or belong in these so-called tribes. Or beg for attention from these high profiles just so I can get big upvotes. I'm more like the low-profile peeps here who don't fit in. Who are just simply content with sharing their thoughts and minding their own business. But if you find our posts thought-provoking and inspiring, well thank you for the upvotes and comments. And if you don't, we're still okay here. This is our sacred space for our personal thoughts.

I'm like that rescue animal you are trying to tame. You try to domesticate me and make me belong to your family. But deep down, you know it will take time. But maybe, little by little pet me a little and drop a bit of love here and there. Maybe things will change. And maybe, I will love you back.

Love,
@diabolika