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MY FEAR OF SPENDING MONEY

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@khaleesii
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For a while now, I have realized that I have had a fear of spending money, now this might seem like a joke but it truly isn’t and I would be giving a back story on how this started.

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Growing up, I wasn’t given birth to in a family with a silver spoon, I doubt if we even had a wooden spoon at a point but my mother worked hard and did all she could, she did so many businesses that at one point I lost track of it all.

Now, because of this, I never really experienced a lot of things in my childhood, but don’t get me wrong though because I would say I had what I needed.

Although certain things stood out like never having a birthday party until I was about 13, and there were a lot of other experiences that looking back now, I felt like I missed out on but then I didn’t care, I was happy, at least until I got into university.

I was a scholarship student so I went to an expensive private university and most days while people were eating, I couldn’t afford it, I rarely called home because I didn’t want my mother to have to worry so I would practically starve and end up in the hospital, but hey at least that was free.

This continued until I switched schools and at this point, I practically spent all my savings and allowances on books and other things because this school sucked money but still I tried to spend on the things I liked and also other people, I wasn’t frugal at this point and I didn’t mind spending money when it was necessary.

Fast forward to finishing school and going through the process of being unemployed and life, I realized how important money was and I rarely ever had enough so I began withdrawing and at this point, I hated spending money and would practically see most things that people spend on as unnecessary.

I still didn’t figure out how bad this was until I would refer to myself as the man in the Bible with the “one talent”, if you know his story, you would figure out why and I know that not wanting to spend means most days I avoid things that might even give me money because I am really scared of losing any money.

I recently went out with my friends and they got waxed for about 29 dollars, I didn’t because I didn’t see it as necessary but as a luxury, and to be honest I didn’t have 29 dollars just lying around.

I feel like at the point, I would have to consider if I truly had a fear of spending or a fear of not having enough or maybe I didn’t spend because I didn’t have, period.

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I guess going through certain experiences in life and having to always worry about everything has had a long-lasting effect on me and I do hope that it eventually wears off when I finally have enough.


Thank you for opening this box of passion

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