How Often Do You Credit Your Children Emotional Bank Account?
I guess everyone knows what a financial account is, and two things can either take place in a bank account (which is either your account being credited or debited). How confident do you trust your financial security when there is a large deposit in your account? The glamorous feelings of affording all your necessities comes right from within. I feel that way too:-)
But what feelings do you get when you constantly get debited in your bank account without replacement? Your confidence begins to drop. This can also relate to our parent to children relationships.
What is Emotional Bank Account
This shows the feeling of security you have with someone, vice versa. It is that place where trust is being grown in a relationship. The amazing feeling where someone can confide in you with a maximum faith that your security covers them.
Unfortunately, in this part of the country where I grew up, the average Nigerian parent find it really difficult to express their feelings to their children. They are with the ideology that as far as your shelter, education and feeding is covered, you should subconsciously know that they love you.
Like seriously? That just looks like fulfilling a duty :'(
I can't remember when my parent looked straight to my eyes to tell me they love me. But hey, it is averagely normal here.
Aside from words of affirmation, many parents are still indirectly debiting their children emotional bank account rather than crediting. Since we are imperfect, at least, learn how to withdraw very less.
How is it Built and How can you Credit More
source That scenario where it's like you are living with a total stranger, just because your deposit of trust towards your child while growing up was very low. You can't all of a sudden start crediting their account with a confinement of trust and expect them to react happily towards you, that's going to be pretty weird.
Here are some foundational and post-foundational tips in crediting that emotional bank account;
Foundational Tips
This part has to do with the very beginning your children started growing. You might be really lucky if you are still growing a toddler, it will be much easier to transfer trust with lesser bank charges.◾️Never Look Down on their Feelings:
I have seen a lot of instagram videos of a child crying towards something their parents are joking about. That might be really funny to us as adults but trust me, that is really not cool for them. We don't really know how much sadness we've cause them even for things we feel are irrelevant but to them, it means so much. The solution here is to always play along.
Make a big deal about their big deals
We are covered with the illusion that they are still little and probably don't really know what to feel. In as much as, somethings they do is out of their childishness, learn to be as well childish with them on some grounds.
That way, when you seek to understand how they really feel, you are depositing some trust dollar into their account. Anytime they have issue in bathing their dolls, they are sure you can help them. Remember, you play along now, but tomorrow it's going to make sense all along.
◾️Try to be honest:
I know there are some certain knowledge they might be curious about but not suitable for them to be exposed until certain age. While there are some things that are so irrelevant to lie about. Children are just purely innocent, they are a group of give and take folks.
I can remember when I did very poorly in my last exams and finally result were out. OMG! I failed. I was so scared not really because I failed but how my dad will feel. Well, I don't have anywhere else to go, so definitely, a confrontation is inevitable. He saw the results and started is comparism mechanism of how he did so well in high school. Well, I guess that lie was to encourage me. Nevertheless, it is very unhealthy to motivate people through lies, cause when the truth finally comes open, a whole lot might occur.
Years later, while I was putting my dad things in order, I saw a file filled with old looking pictures and documents. I became interested to see the pictures but the first thing I saw was his high school results and guess what I saw? It was pretty worst than mine. I became really sad not just because he lied but because he compared me with a lie.
Honesty opens trust
◾️Love Unconditionally:
I have a problem with parents who disown or stop loving their children because they chose another way of life or choice of career that is not suitable to their parents precepts. How can you stop loving a child you carried while growing? How can you disown your primary responsibility God gave you? Nothing can ever justify you disowning a child.
In Nigeria, it is not a new story where children are being disowned because of their choice of sexuality. I repeat, nothing can ever justify you from not loving your children. When they are growing, learn how to vocally express how you feel for them, don't always allow then to assume whether you truly love them. Even when they do things in a crazy way, master the craft of being patient to understand and rebuke with love.
When love is mixed with words of affirmation, you are making big deposit.
Post Foundational Tips
These are for bank accounts that where automatically blocked due to no deposits where made over the years. To re-open such account, you need to go through the process of filling forms, waiting and upgrading before you can have access to it. This is just a perfect example of parents who never made deposit to their children, they can't even withdraw(because you can't withdraw what was not built), everything is just neutral and boring. But hey, hope is not lost, here are few things one could probably do:◾️Fill the Form:
You have to apply for that position once more. Just as how you will fill the bank form, that is how you will show some level of interest in your children. Give them the impression you want to try again. Don't be shy, common, you knew how little they were when they came out of the labor room and even if you were never with them, you could start showing interest. Watch the TV with them, avoid having strict rules, be free with their friends, cook dinner for them, wake them up for important catch ups and always show some level of availability when it comes to their personal issues like relationships.
◾️Be Patient :
Just as how you will have to wait for the customer care service to process your request, that is how you wait for them to start getting used to you. Don't complain of how you are trying effortlessly and they don't seem to increase their level of openness towards you.
Bad news, you lost the right to ask them how long will you have to wait until they become open to you. You lost it as soon as you drifted away. It is not in your place to give duration of when that healing might start.
Be patient, even if it is forever.
◾️Don't Over do it:
Teenagers who became strangers in your house always love their space. Don't choke them up in telling you things. Don't all of a sudden ask about their relationships when you weren't there to brace them up in thier last break ups. Let them see reasons to begin to tell you things. Give them their space and when you notice something bad might be happening right under your nose, caution with love or a story telling could work especially from your personal experience. Trust me, they love adults stories.
Withdraw Less and Credit More
As imperfect as we might be, let's never forget to always credit more than withdrawals. You could get into a quarrel with your child and say hurtful things, a parent who have long invested trust in that child will be forgiven quite easily? >My bad, I heard those who we love most hurt us most because we tend to believe their words. Just avoid hurtful words entirely :-(Withdrawals happen unconsciously while deposit is a deliberate act.
Become intentional about the deposits you make in your children everyday.
