Want To Lose Weight? BUY CRYPTO!
[Start heavy metal face-melting bass solo]
Couldn't stay away from that cake? Doubled down on those doughnuts?
OK, so you put on weight. It's time to lose it-- and fast.
[Cut to Best Man and Bridesmaid at wedding rehearsal]
[Best Man to Bridesmaid]
The wedding in Jamaica is in two weeks, and I ripped all my pants. What do I do?
BUY CRYPTO!
[Best Man turns to 4th wall]
That's it!!
That's right! The newest sensation in weight loss is now digital!
[Bridesmaid asks 4th wall]
How's it work?
Thanks to advances in blockchain technology and cryptography, combined with the right motivations, crypto can do anything!
[Cut to graphics for next line]
Whatever you were going to buy, buy crypto instead!
[Cut to man at liquor store]
Beer money in your hand?
[Man looks and nods]
BUY CRYPTO!
[Beer man thinks and smiles]
[Cut to woman at supermarket]
Have money in the Swear Jar?
[Woman]
Well....
[Woman blushes]
BUY CRYPTO!
[Woman thinks and smiles before exclaiming]
!@#$ YES!!
[Cut to Sad Teenager inside car]
Saved those pennies for that parking ticket?
[Sad Teenager nods at 4th wall]
BUY CRYPTO!
[Sad Teenager rolls eyes]
BUY CRYPTO!
Want proof? Ask these people:
[Cut to Dancer]
Before buying crypto, I couldn't do the Hokie Pokie. Now I dance like Prince!
BUY CRYPTO!
[Cut to Man on Street]
Before, I couldn't be seen at the beach. After buying crypto, now I'm a stripper!
BUY CRYPTO!
[Cut to Empty Nest Parents]
Thanks to crypto, last month we lost 30 pounds!
BUY CRYPTO!
[Cut to heavy metal band]
Do it now! Buy crypto today, and buy crypto every day!
[End heavy metal face-melting bass solo]
Disclaimers
[Spoken by female attorney at 200 words per minite]
โ This post is for satire and parody purposes only.
โ Not considered financial advice.
โ Not considered health or medical advice.
โ Examples shown are not typical.
โ Must be 18 and over to buy cryptocurrency.
โ "BUY CRYPTO!" not meant for use with shitcoins.
โ Not your keys, not your cryptocurrency.
โ D.Y.O.R. It means "Do Your Own Research."
โ Not possible in some jurisdictions.
โ You can't beat City Hall.
โ Weights in text stated in Imperial. Weights in images stated in Metric. Use math to find your favored equivalent.
โ Scale not included.
โ If you liked this post, please give it an upvote.โ Please reblog or re-Hive this post if you found it useful.โ If there are corrections or clarifications I need to make concerning post content, let me know in a comment so I can update the post and give you credit for the correction. |
---|
About @magnacarta |
---|
My main focus is cryptocurrencies from a number of angles (educational, commentary, observations, even pop culture). A secondary focus is sharing my discoveries about the world of Hive Social. Most of my posts can be found at these two locations:* LeoFinance : https://leofinance.io/@magnacarta * *Proof of Brain : https://proofofbrain.io/@magnacarta For posts I make at other tribes or communities, start here to locate them : Ecency: Follow me at this D.Buzz-only account : D.Buzz: [https://blog.d.buzz/#/@magnacarta.buzz] (https://blog.d.buzz/#/@magnacarta.buzz)-- note the ."buzz" at the end! I also expect Festivus to take off in popularity in the coming years. |