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Want To Lose Weight? BUY CRYPTO!

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@magnacarta
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[Start heavy metal face-melting bass solo]

Couldn't stay away from that cake? Doubled down on those doughnuts?

OK, so you put on weight. It's time to lose it-- and fast.

[Cut to Best Man and Bridesmaid at wedding rehearsal]


[Best Man to Bridesmaid]

The wedding in Jamaica is in two weeks, and I ripped all my pants. What do I do?

BUY CRYPTO!

[Best Man turns to 4th wall]

That's it!!

That's right! The newest sensation in weight loss is now digital!

[Bridesmaid asks 4th wall]

How's it work?

Thanks to advances in blockchain technology and cryptography, combined with the right motivations, crypto can do anything!

[Cut to graphics for next line]


Whatever you were going to buy, buy crypto instead!

[Cut to man at liquor store]


Beer money in your hand?

[Man looks and nods]

BUY CRYPTO!

[Beer man thinks and smiles]

[Cut to woman at supermarket]


Have money in the Swear Jar?

[Woman]

Well....

[Woman blushes]

BUY CRYPTO!

[Woman thinks and smiles before exclaiming]

!@#$ YES!!

[Cut to Sad Teenager inside car]


Saved those pennies for that parking ticket?

[Sad Teenager nods at 4th wall]

BUY CRYPTO!

[Sad Teenager rolls eyes]

BUY CRYPTO!

Want proof? Ask these people:

[Cut to Dancer]


Before buying crypto, I couldn't do the Hokie Pokie. Now I dance like Prince!

BUY CRYPTO!

[Cut to Man on Street]


Before, I couldn't be seen at the beach. After buying crypto, now I'm a stripper!

BUY CRYPTO!

[Cut to Empty Nest Parents]


Thanks to crypto, last month we lost 30 pounds!

BUY CRYPTO!

[Cut to heavy metal band]


Do it now! Buy crypto today, and buy crypto every day!

[End heavy metal face-melting bass solo]

Disclaimers

[Spoken by female attorney at 200 words per minite]

โ— This post is for satire and parody purposes only. โ— Not considered financial advice. โ— Not considered health or medical advice. โ— Examples shown are not typical. โ— Must be 18 and over to buy cryptocurrency.
โ— "BUY CRYPTO!" not meant for use with shitcoins. โ— Not your keys, not your cryptocurrency. โ— D.Y.O.R. It means "Do Your Own Research." โ— Not possible in some jurisdictions. โ— You can't beat City Hall. โ— Weights in text stated in Imperial. Weights in images stated in Metric. Use math to find your favored equivalent. โ— Scale not included.

โ— If you liked this post, please give it an upvote.โ— Please reblog or re-Hive this post if you found it useful.โ— If there are corrections or clarifications I need to make concerning post content, let me know in a comment so I can update the post and give you credit for the correction.

About @magnacarta
My main focus is cryptocurrencies from a number of angles (educational, commentary, observations, even pop culture). A secondary focus is sharing my discoveries about the world of Hive Social. Most of my posts can be found at these two locations:* LeoFinance : https://leofinance.io/@magnacarta * *Proof of Brain : https://proofofbrain.io/@magnacarta For posts I make at other tribes or communities, start here to locate them : Ecency: Follow me at this D.Buzz-only account : D.Buzz: [https://blog.d.buzz/#/@magnacarta.buzz] (https://blog.d.buzz/#/@magnacarta.buzz)-- note the ."buzz" at the end! I also expect Festivus to take off in popularity in the coming years.